What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 01:27
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What is your age now, and what age do you prefer to stay at forever?
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
How are max different from medical and minimum security prisons?
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She loved him until the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do guys have better skin than women even though women use more product?
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was scared of men, in general
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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It was going to be , some day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im still living with it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Ive learnt so much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My family never makes their pension either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it wasn’t much.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
Would this be the day?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i lived it daily.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot live in the past .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What did i know ?
I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She married twice! .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was seconnd youngest,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I waited trembling.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So whats the point in blame.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I said to her
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!